Our Journey

I have thought long and hard before I posted this. I feel as if this is one of the boldest things I am going to ever ask for. Some may not agree but this is where we are in our journey. Will you join us in the next steps on our journey?

One year ago I was gearing up for our first big event as a family. Mister Mans birthday was just a few days away. The littles had been with me a little over a month and we were just trying to make it through each day in one piece. Each night as I put them to bed my children looked at me with eyes of worry, fear, anxiety wondering if I would be there the next morning. They scarfed down food each meal and never left a crumb. Little miss had to be touching me every minute of every day, even if it just meant holding onto my pants while I was cooking dinner. Little man was sluggish and constantly sick but he was slowly learning to trust. Mister man questioned my every single move. He questioned my intentions and love. This strange lady he had met only weeks earlier he had started calling mom.

Our journey over this last year has included months of illnesses and a journey to maintainable health. Our journey has been hours of tears of sadness but also tears of joy. Our journey has been exhausting yet the most rewarding thing I have ever experienced in my life. Our journey has been our own path to becoming a family.

Now, one year later we have learned to love. We have learned to trust. We have learned how to pick ourselves up and that tomorrow is always a new day. We have learned that life isn’t fair and in our world each day brings a new day of unknowns. We have learned to celebrate the little things and not worry too much about the big ones. We have learned that this journey is a roller coaster. One week we are told one thing then the rug is pulled out from underneath us the next.

In the next two months we are hoping with our fingers crossed to head towards our forever. But our journey to forever is messy. Our journey to forever won’t be easy. Our journey to forever is going to take some mountain moving and miracles. Our journey to forever is not guaranteed. We need a multitude of prayers and good thoughts. We need the love and support of many. We need our village to get down on their knees in prayer and pray for the best possible outcome. For stability. For peace. For our forever.

So will you join me in prayer for our forever? For stability? For peace? For love? For family?

One year

One year.

I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. This last year has been nothing less than extraordinary.

My sweet baby. When she arrived just one year ago, she was covered from head to toe in banana. The caseworker was doing her absolute best to keep her calm after a very long car ride. Little miss looked terrified. She had no idea what was going on but she clung to me for dear life from the minute she got out of the bathtub and hasn’t let go since. With the love and support of several very dedicated people, she has blossomed into a funny, talking, running toddler. She is a force and loves to be the center of attention. She dances the second any music comes on. She is learning short sentences and some people even say we speak our own language. She still has anxiety around new people but man she loves so deeply once she gets to know you. A million and one hugs and kisses later, she has become my little girl.

Little man. When he arrived no one could understand a word he was saying. Scared and quiet, I quickly won him over with some watermelon. With the help of many and several people in particular, he has blossomed into a super smart three year old who asks why a million times a day. He is so excited about the world and exploring everything he can. His excitement about putting on his pajamas all by himself is intoxicating. His joy that he expresses about the simple things is what life is truly about. I am so glad he has become my son.

Mister Man. In the early days he questioned my every move. Unsure of my intentions and who the heck I was. Slowly but surely he has learned to trust. To love. He learned what is means to truly have a mommy and he makes sure I never forget to say goodnight. He has gone from knowing absolutely nothing academically to a reader in one school year. The dedication, love, and support he has received throughout this last year is nothing less than extraordinary. He has become my son and he wouldn’t change it for the world.

So today we celebrate. We have officially made it one year together. Through all the heartaches and all of the celebrations, we have become a family. To those of you who have loved, cared, supported us throughout this last year, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. We would have never made it this far without you. It takes a village and I am so thankful we have the biggest one in town.

Prayers for their sweet hearts. Although they have come so far, we still have a long way to go. Prayers for upcoming decisions that will be made in the months ahead. The “a” word has been thrown around a lot this summer and this momma and three littles who would love to make this forever. 😉

Just Breathe

To say I am glad to see the month of April 2015 come to a close would be the biggest understatement of the year. I am overjoyed that this month is finally coming to an end. But why?

I have been emotionally rocked to my core on more than one occasion. I have experienced the greatest heartache of my life in this last month. I have cried more tears in the last four weeks than I have in the last four years. I have had to remind myself in the midst of it all to just breathe as I have felt like I am drowning. It all started on the very first day of April and the emotional roller coaster has not slowed down. Thankfully, I have found comfort in the strangest place. Someone posted a song on facebook that I had never heard. Typically, I don’t listen to songs people post but for some reason I did that day and that song was exactly what I needed to hear. It has literally pulled me out of the darkness that I faced in the weeks that followed and man that is such a dark place. The very first verse explains my April 1, 2015 perfectly.

“She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn’t believe
It could happen to me
I guess we’re all one phone call from our knees.

For all the tears you’ve cried
You’ve been way too strong now for all your life
I’m gonna get there soon,
You’re gonna be there too
Cryin’ in your room,
Prayin’ Lord come through
We’re gonna get there soon”

Less than two weeks later, I was facing the fight of my life for my children. I have known from the very beginning what the case plan has stated and what the ultimate goal is but after leaving court in February, I knew things were not right. I knew no one truly understood the needs that these children have and it became my mission to make it known. These are my children and as their mother, it is my job to protect them to the best of my abilities. Thankfully, I have been blessed with the capabilities to keep incredible records and document everything in detail. With a little help, I was able to have copies ready in hand to back up everything that needed to be stated and put on record. My stomach was literally in knots but everything was stated on record that day and we had to wait a week for it to come out in the courtroom. That afternoon I was asked to testify over the phone the following week. That week was one of the longest weeks of my life. As I was being prepped to testify over the phone another verse that song kept playing over and over in my mind and I knew that we would have some answers by the end of the day.

“Oh it’s your light,
Oh it’s your way,
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin’ out now
From so far away…
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love”

By that afternoon, I received the news that my littles would be staying put for at least the next six months. It seemed like a miracle had occurred in the courtroom that day. We can make plans for the summer and relax just a little bit knowing they are safe for just a little while longer. Just days after we received the news about the kids each one of them became sick. I have spent the last week and a half caring for all four of my children as a stomach bug has plagued our house again. But between all the sickness and exhaustion the song keeps playing.

“‘Cause you are all that I’ve waited for
All of my life
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love”

I would be lying if I said that things were all better. I’m not sure the heartache will every go away as it still lingers. Something feels empty. I have been unfocused, forgetful, and a total slacker but fortunately I have been blessed with great people to surround myself with. Without the love and support of the ones I consider my greatest friends and of course my wonderful family, I would not have made it through these past 30 days. It has been many sleepless nights and long days. This has been one emotional ride and I am ready to get off the roller coaster. I may not be in one piece but I made it to the other side of this crazy month. As I turn my focus to the end of the school year and my trip to Rwanda please pray for peace. For comfort. For my littles. After all the smiles, love, and laughter I get to experience with them every single day makes all of the pain worth it.

-Song credit: Closer to Love by Mat Kearney

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The calm in the midst of the storm

Those moments….

In the midst of what has been one of the most stressful weeks as a mother and teacher, I finally have some quiet time after a very intense morning to finally process what has transpired over the course of the last few days. It all started Sunday evening.

My father made a special trip to my house Sunday evening. My daughter has really had a rough time lately with over attachment and just being overdramatic when she is out of sorts. So when Papa found out his sweet little girl is having a rough time he came over to help out. Only this time when he arrived, I knew something was up as soon as he didn’t pick her up. After we went outside he quietly excused himself and went upstairs. Odd I thought. After a while I went to check on him and about that time his phone rang. He had to take the call he said. Finally after listening over the baby monitor, I figured out what was up. His eyes. Oh no. From his past experiences he knew something was not right. By Monday morning he was in emergency surgery to reattach his retina in his right eye. While he was in surgery, I was a mess. A lame excuse for a teacher during the day. It took everything I had just to keep it together. My students of course are getting ready for two major tests this week so I did my best to answer questions but thank goodness they all work well together in groups. The day finally ends and all is somewhat well with my dad.

As we moved into the evening all was well until my oldest went to bed. Finally after a 45 minute fit and constant communication with my mother, I knew I couldn’t deal with it anymore. The behaviors are out of control. The fit was over something so ridiculous, I was at my wits end. After months of going back and forth with this child I knew I couldn’t jeopardize my own children anymore. I needed a break from the child who pushed my buttons every second he could. Another late night of worrying with not a lot of sleep resulted in a very tired and emotionally exhausted mommy.

The following day I felt my feet hit the floor and I knew I just needed to confront the day with the determination that this too shall pass. Until my three year olds daycare called during the middle of third period. I knew it must be urgent. They never call during the school day. They know I’m a teacher. As I stepped out into the hall, I braced myself for what was to come. He has a fever and he can’t catch his breath. Come quickly. My mind quickly flashed back to a few months ago when we ended up in the ER. Reactive Airway Disease is something fierce and scary. Add that to a weak immune system and little man doesn’t stand a chance when it comes to becoming ill. As I rushed quickly out the door, I called the pediatrician and our elementary school to have my other little man ready to walk out the door as soon as I arrived. My class left in the hands of people who look out for me and my students. I knew they would be ok. On my way the daycare called again. “Are you coming? I don’t want to rush you but his temp has spiked to 102.” Panic immediately strikes me. Two degrees in less than an hour. What the heck?

As I arrived at the pediatrician, they quickly took us back. Little man put up the biggest fight I have experienced in my few short months of motherhood. It took two nurses, the doctor, my mother, and myself to just get a swab of his throat. They tested for everything. The Flu. RSV. Strep. Everything came back negative. That’s a positive but what in the world is going on with my little guy. Just wait it out. Tylenol every 4-6 hours and if he still isn’t better in two days bring him back. Great.

After getting a quick bite to eat, figuring out a plan for the following day, we headed home and all three littles collapsed into bed. As I was settling down for the night I remembered I had a package delivered that day. I rushed downstairs and tore open the box. The book had arrived that I had wanted to read for months. I read over the course of the next two hours not wanting to put it down. I got lost in the stories of the children that could have easily been my three sleeping in their rooms across the hall. The stories of sadness, helplessness, but also of redemption. It quickly reminded me that I am in the midst of all the craziness, I am doing exactly what I was called to do. Finally as I feel asleep, I reminded myself that today would be another intense day. Just be flexible, I told myself. It will all be okay.

My phone rang at 6:30 AM. Another change of plans. Alright. Here we go. As I went through the motions this morning, the simple reminder that this too shall pass had a very calming effect. After my littles were off to where they needed to be today, mister man and I started to have another deep conversation. He has started to ask questions over the past few weeks. Some have consisted of the future. The “A” word has been thrown around lately by his caseworkers. They want to make things more permanent. It is not time yet to tell mister man so I have to choose my words carefully. “Are you going to move if I leave?” He asks. “Can I just stay here forever?” “Can I just keep my name that you call me forever?” “What are you going to do if I am not around?” My answer is usually “maybe.” Or “we will just have to wait and see.” But this morning I decided to ask him a couple more questions before I gave him an answer. When I asked if he wanted to stay around for a long time he said, “Yes, mommy. I am your baby. I want to stay forever.” A simple yet deep answer from my five year old. When I checked him into school and they used his birth name on his pass instead of his nickname, he almost seemed insulted. His big grin flashed on his face as he walked around the corner out of my sight. Bouncing happily down the hallway to his classroom. The calm in the midst of the very big storm. Thank you sweet boy. You remind me every day why I began this journey just eight short months ago.

So as I set out to conquer the rest of what the week is going to bring including three doctor appointments in one day and a very busy weekend, I will cherish the quiet moments. I understand that most of what is going on is out of my control and that this too shall pass.

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Thankfulness

Today I am so thankful that I was chosen to be my littles mommy. They had a visit last night with BM. I knew when I received the conformation that the visit was going to take place during the week this was going to throw a wrench in their schedule and behavior. Typically the visits are on Sunday afternoon so they have some time to unwind once they get home. But yesterday evening, that was not the case. By the time we got home, it was time for bed. Last night after I came out of the bathroom, I found my five year old sitting on the floor outside of my bedroom crying. I pulled him up off the floor and asked him why he was crying. For the first time he voiced his feelings and told me he was sad. Thinking he was going to tell me that he missed his BM, I braced myself for what was going to come next after I asked him why he was sad. He looked up at me with his dark brown eyes and tears streaming down his cheeks and said, “I couldn’t find you, I didn’t think you were going to come tuck me in and say goodnight.” I pulled him in to my lap and asked “Have I ever skipped coming to say goodnight?” He immediately shook his head no. I smothered him with a big hug and kiss and told him how much I loved him as I laid him down in his nice warm bed and he looked up at me and said, “I love you too mommy.”

In my mind I could see the hardened little boy that showed up at my doorstep just four short months ago. That boy who would stare at me like I was insane when I would tell him every night I loved him to the moon and back as I tucked him into his bed. The boy who didn’t know how to bathe himself or have any “peety” (Feety) pajamas to call his own. The boy who was so skeptical of my every move when it came to taking care of his two younger siblings. The boy who would cry for house over something so simple because he just didn’t know how to cope. The boy who was the care taker and truly didn’t know how to be a kid.

Now I see a sweet little boy who is finally expressing himself and able to voice his needs. A boy who expects to have a hug and kiss before bed each night. A boy who giggles and laughs when his older brother does something really dumb just to get a smile from his sweet face. A boy who can sit and play legos for hours on end just to build something new and exciting. A boy who has let go of control over his little siblings because he knows they are well taken care of. A boy who is growing, thriving, and knows he is loved.

On another note in this season of thankfulness, I am so thankful that my family has stepped to the plate and accepted these children as our own. I know that many foster and adoptive families struggle with family acceptance. I am fortunate to have the support of my entire family and all of my friends even on the days when they think I have completely lost my mind. If we ever need anything someone is always there to step up or step in when needed and sometimes they just magically show up at my house and ask is there anything they can do. I will forever be grateful for all of the time, support, and love that each and every person we come into contact with has poured into each one of my littles. The littles are growing and thriving because of each one of you.

Eternally grateful,

-L

Stability

Stability is the name of the game. Every one who knows me well knows that I love things to be stable. I like routine, consistency, and the ins and outs of a “normal” day. Some people even call me boring, old, you name it but stability is my lifeline.

Then let’s throw in becoming a foster parent. Anyone who knows anything about the government/DFCS knows it is anything but stable. But in my own little world, in my own little house, I am able to create stability for me and my children even if we don’t know what the future brings. So, I have created a routine of every day we get up, get ready for school, drop the two littles off at daycare, and then me and the big boys head to school. I drop my littles off in the same class that I pick them up from at the end of the day. They have had the same teachers since the beginning and we are almost through the fourth month of placement. The littles have created attachments to those teachers so much so little miss even favors her teachers over me some days. So what happens when a routine takes a different turn down a new path? Case and point, my baby is not so much a baby anymore. She has several words, she is completely mobile, feeds herself, drinks from a sippy cup, and has a personality that has come alive. She ready for the next class as she is no longer a crawler but instead a toddler.

Then enters the fear of disrupting her stability because let’s be honest, these past (almost) four months have been the most stability she has ever experienced.. She has come so far and I can’t imagine how she is going to handle this big move. It’s a huge change in her routine and boy does she love her current one. But by holding her back, she won’t have the opportunity to thrive. So many mixed emotions come with this big move that is quickly approaching. Thankfully, she has some very loving and caring people that she interacts with every day at her school. They have already identified the great need for my little girl and how this is going to have a huge effect on her. They know that her case is different from the typical child who is getting ready for the move. They know that it will take her more time than the others. So instead of her just visiting for a couple days and then making the move on Monday, they are going to give her weeks. They have already started to foster a relationship with little miss and the new afternoon teacher. They both have a love for hair bows which is really cute to see their interactions. Once she is comfortable with the afternoon teacher, they are going to start building her relationship with the morning teacher and they are fully aware this may take a little while because she is super attached to her current morning teacher but they are willing to work with her every step of the way. Knowing that her teachers understand her situation and are embracing it makes this transition so much easier for her and for me. 🙂

So as we get ready for the transition period prayers for little miss as she makes this transition to her new class. Prayers for my five year old as he is starting to test some boundaries at home. Prayers for my two year old as he is searching for his balance of wanting independence but still greatly needing his mommy. And of course, prayers for the upcoming holiday season as we will have many first experiences together as a family but they also still know that two people are absent from all of the fun.

Trauma

I am always up for a challenge. I love to find solutions to a given problem and see the results. I knew when I signed up for this it would be a challenge. But I am not sure if I expected it to be the greatest challenge I have faced in my 26 years of life…

Every Sunday, my three children are exposed to trauma. It’s a trauma that I cannot prevent nor can I make it go away. But I have seen a major difference over the last two months in the reaction that comes before, during, and afterwards. Every Sunday they take a bath, lather up in lotion, brush their hair, and put on their nice clothes and shoes. After all, they are well taken care of and that reflects in their appearance. Then we drive up the street to a local fast food restaurant and I drop them off for two hours with their birth parents and a supervisor.

In the beginning, my five year old would be super excited for that drive. He would be excited to finally go for a visit. Something I am sure he looked forward to all week. Today, he questioned if he was going this afternoon. Once I said yes, his demeanor changed. I could still tell he wanted to go but his face lacked the typical excitement I have seen in the past. Once we got there, he refused to give hugs or say hello. You could tell he was experiencing thoughts and feelings of insecurity and old wounds were right back on the surface. Torn between his old life and new. Once I arrived to pick him up, it wasn’t a battle to get his shoes on or to get down off the play structure. He immediately got his shoes on, grab his drink and jacket, and headed for the door. Again, no hugs or goodbyes. His birth father made a comment to me that “he was acting weird.”

Acting weird these days is nothing out of the ordinary. He has been more silly and has given up the control he fought for in the beginning. He has learned to be a kid again. He skips through the parking lot while holding my hand and sings at the top of his lungs to his favorite song. He giggles at his older brothers craziness and refuses to do his homework. So maybe today was more than he bargained for. He has found his safe place, a mom who loves him to pieces and doesn’t let him down, food for every meal, and a bed to call his own. So when he is thrown out of his element, his routine, his safe place, it is so hard for him to process. He asked to ride bikes this afternoon once we got home. Freedom. Escape from reality. Go for it buddy. He rode for two and a half hours.

In the beginning, my two year old would shriek with excitement when we got to the restaurant. A couple weeks later was met with a “no” for any question asked or any direction given. This morning he was aggressive, argumentative, and just plain out of sorts. Once we arrived at the restaurant, he gave hugs but was still unsure. Again, no excitement. Once I picked him up, he ran up to me and hid behind my leg. Seems to be his favorite place to hide these days. Arms wrapped tight holding on for dear life. Distractions after the visit seem to do the trick for him. A surprise visit from memommy fit the bill today. But once the distraction goes away, he couldn’t seem to find his footing back at home. He calls for me every two seconds, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.” Even if I answer every single time, it is met with no response. He is just checking to make sure I am still there.

He has come so far in two months. His speech is more clear although still difficult to understand, visits to time out are few and far between, and he has learned some manners including very cute tank yoos. He is not afraid to question everything and always give the answer a firm “oh” in response. His favorite word is “no” and he loves to give his older brothers a run for their money. He loves to dress himself and is almost potty trained. Given time, I’m sure he will come into his own even more.

Then we add in the baby who in her 10 months of life before she came to my home was anything but easy. Now at 13 months, she is learning to trust. She has clung to me for her daily needs to be met, for attention, for love. She has always been unsure and uneasy from the moment she spots her birth parents. Sometimes she would smile but most of the time she would just stare. Today, she clung for dear life and mean mugged like it was going out of style. She didn’t want to leave the security of my arms. The moment I let go, she screamed. At the top of her lungs. Screaming has been a regular occurrence from day 1. In the beginning, I would cradle her in my arms and hold her until she stopped but the second I let go it would start all over again. Now if we are at home, I let her scream. She is learning that I am not far away if when we are at home. She is learning to play. She is learning to dance to her own beat. But on Sundays from the moment I walk back into the door of the restaurant it’s  usually a cry of desperation. A cry of uneasiness. A cry of helplessness. A cry from exposure to trauma. So their I sat this afternoon, holding a screaming baby, counting down the minutes until bedtime. Tomorrow after all is another day and all we can hope for is she wakes up happy again.

So much healing has taken place over the last two months. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. But they still have so far to go. Prayers for their hearts, their minds, and their souls. Prayers for Sundays as they come with so much insecurity. Prayers that they find peace. After all they are starting to realize at the end of the day, they have a mommy who loves them unconditionally, food on the table for every meal, and a safe place to call home.

Hail Mary

This week was anything but easy.  We have made it through this long week, thankfully all in one piece. Sort of. The mounting things on my checklist are slowly being checked off. A speech therapist has finally called and we have an appointment for an evaluation next week. Wahoo! But we also had three meltdowns from my very confused five year old. A very grumpy baby. An eleven year old who stepped up this week and only had one major slip up. & A two year old with a funny spot on his head. Yesterday, we went to the doctor for our well checks. Silly me had the mind set of going into the appointments that we would walk out without any prescriptions or new diagnosis. After it all, it was a well check appointment. Right?

Not. Low iron for the baby and five year old , no biggie. Add ringworm and another unidentifiable fungus to the list for the two year old. Now we have a problem. I hate anything funky and ringworm is funky. I can’t stop itching and I don’t even have it! Believe me, I have checked more than once. Lets top the list with the mountains of things I have ignored around the house and some quickly approaching deadlines at work and I am at my limit. I have called in the rest of the team, I like to call my family and I am ever so thankful they have stepped up to the plate. My crazy siblings are coming over to play on Sunday. My mother has volunteered to go grocery shopping with me and my father has graciously offered to tackle the ever mounting pile of laundry in the laundry room.

Knowing that help is on the way over the next few days, I feel like I can conquer the world. The two year olds bed has been sterilized as well as his sheets and other items from his bed. Cleaned most of the kitchen. & the ever so large pile of laundry in my room has finally been folded and half of it has been put away. My four kiddos are tucked soundly in their bed and fingers crossed we can make it through the night without anyone waking up screaming. We all could use the sleep.

Prayers for my sweet five year old. He is so confused, so lost. Pray for his sweet heart. He is trying so hard to learn to trust but I know his tears are so much more than crayons and not being able to play with his favorite toy. Prayers for my two year old. Prayers we caught the ringworm in time, we have contained it to just him and he will heal over time. Prayers for my sweet baby. She knows I am her mommy and has latched on for dear life. Prayers that she can find some peace at her tender age.