Caseworker visit

We had our second caseworker visit within a week. Typically, the caseworker likes to visit the kiddos several times during the first month just to make sure the transition process is a smooth one. Meanwhile, I am gearing up to head back to work after my much too short summer and trying to get the kids settled into our new routine. Two of my littles started daycare today. I cannot express how thankful I am that I found a center willing to be so flexible and understanding of each kids situation. It is definitely an answered prayer.

Back to the caseworker….usually we don’t have much notice when it comes to caseworker visits. They like to pop in and catch you at the spur of the moment. Gives you as little time to prepare as possible and as I have had said before I like to over prepare. That rolls into having an overly clean house when company is coming. So popping in doesn’t really work for my personality but hey we are all working on going with the flow. So after our sweet caseworker called today to check in and see if she could drop by, I immediately thought of the bottle I had left on the table beside the babies bed and the sippy cup under the toddler bed that I was too lazy to pick up this morning. Oh yes and the diapers I left on the changing table before we scrambled out the door this morning trying to make it to daycare before 8. I really need to invest in that trashcan I have been meaning to buy for the last three weeks. Don’t forget the dishes that are piled high in my sink and the dog poop that the dog left for you when you went upstairs to give the kids a much needed bath. Oh and I’m over an hour away at school trying to get a few things done before we hit the ground running tomorrow morning at 6 AM. Sure come on by, how about 6:30?  Did I mention I’m not a spur of the moment kind of person?

Well here we are…we survived, the house of course wasn’t perfect but the diapers, cups, poop, and dishes did get taken care of. Hey, I don’t want the poor lady to think I am a complete idiot/slob. I even managed to check and make sure my hair wasn’t a total mess and wipe away the smeared make up from the day.  So maybe I am a little go with the flow after all. Ha! Yea right. I will always be a perfectionist/over achiever but maybe one day I will learn to be a little more flexible. Well I’ll try. Promise 🙂

the baby

Its been four days since the baby left and the pain of missing him is still very real. I hesitated to even write this post but I feel that it is something that just needs to get out of my system so I can move on. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a silent crier. It doesn’t happen very often and when it does I try to hide it. But right now so many emotions are still very raw.

I knew from the very beginning what I signed up. I knew their would be some kiddos that I would become attached to and would miss terribly when they were eventually gone. After all I am not looking for my forever kiddos yet. I am just a stop on the journey for the kids that come into my home. A place where they can feel safe and loved even if it is only ten days. And that was all it took. 10 days. 10 days for the baby to melt my heart. 10 days of waking up every three hours in the middle of the night, ten days of baby snuggles, and within those ten days a first smile, a first baby conversation that consisted of some very serious baby babble, and very sweet moments that I knew would never happen again. I was the one who experienced those first precious moments with him. I was the one who he immediately bonded with. I was the one he would look for across the room when he would hear my voice. It only took ten days and he became my baby.

It was very evident from the moment he came into my home that he had not had the chance to bond with anyone. He had not been given undivided attention or carried in an infant sling across someones chest. He was just there. It quickly became my mission to make his ten days with me the best they could possibly be. I constantly had him in my arms where I knew he felt safe. I made sure to keep track of his feedings down to the minute and I didn’t even mind waking up with him in the middle of the night. I made sure he was clean and cared for. But most of all I made sure he knew he was loved. He would smile whenever I called him bugger-bear and look for me even if I was just right next to him.

So what now? I can’t continue to wake up in the middle of the night looking for him in the bassinet that is no longer beside my bed. I can’t continue listening for his faint little cry. I can’t continue looking for his sweet little face. When I realize he isn’t here, it’s just the heartbreak all over again. So I have started saying a little prayer for him every time he crosses my mind.

Dear Lord, I know it’s time for him to eat, please provide a nice warm bottle.

Dear Lord, I know this is the time he is normally awake and ready to talk, please provide him someone to babble with.

Dear Lord, I know this is his nap time, please provide him a soft place to lay his head.

Dear Lord, I know this is his bath time, please provide a warm bath and nice clean clothes for him to wear.

Dear Lord, I know today may not have been easy, please keep him safe.

Dear Lord, I miss the baby so much, please let him know he is loved.

& of course Dear Lord, if he ever needs a place to come home to, guide him in the right direction, I will always be here.

With love,

Mommy

 

A new normal

Three new littles are tucked soundly in their beds. All asleep before 8:00. (Let’s take a moment and praise the lord for that one!) We have settled in nicely for our first night together. We had an early dinner and all went to bed without a fuss. Exhausted from the long day.

Arriving after a very long car ride, you could tell immediately the oldest was wondering who the heck this crazy lady is and who are all those people. A quick trip to walmart for some much needed underwear, socks, and new shoes and I think I may have won him over.

Tomorrow we have doctors appointments, WIC appointments, and of course our caseworker is coming for the 24 hour visit. Have I mentioned the first couple days of a placement are insanely busy?!?

One of my first questions for the caseworker was how long are we looking at for placement. Her answer, “Long term.” Not exactly what I was looking for but I’ll take it. Oh course so many unanswered questions remain with this case as well but I was able to answer the oldest when he asked, “How long do I get to stay with you?” I gave him a firm answer of “a little while buddy” and that seemed to satisfy him for now.

So tonight we pray for the three littles who are quietly sleeping upstairs. Pray for their hearts. Pray for their worries to diminish. Pray for them to settle in during the weekend because on Monday we start the new routine of school. But also still pray for the littles who left my home yesterday. As the worry never goes away. Pray for their safety and well being. We miss them like crazy.

Until next time…this mamma is off to bed. Yes, I know it is only 8:00. Don’t judge me. I’m tired.

2 weeks later.

Heartbroken would be an understatement. Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe the current feelings I am experiencing right now. When I received that peppy phone call this morning I could already tell what the caseworker was going to say. The children would be returned today. It took every ounce of my being not to yell at her “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME.” When they came to pick them up today, I told the supervisor that I can’t in good conscious believe that the littlest one will be OK. So many questions still remain unanswered. But no more than ten minutes after they were out the door the phone rang.

A new sibling set ready for placement. A new set of kids who need to be loved on, cared for, and a place to lay their head to sleep. They will be here tomorrow. Just enough time to clean the house and switch out all of the clothing to new sizes.

So tonight, say a prayer for the little ones that just left. Pray for their safety. Pray that they have a place to lay their head to sleep. Pray that all of their needs will be met. Pray that they will be given the world and so much more. After all, praying is all we can do for them now until tomorrow when new faces arrive and the routine starts all over again.

One week

Rookie mistake number one…believing I could maintain a blog when my entire world was about to be turned upside down.

Whelp one week ago today I received the call. The call that would forever change my daily routine, my life, my world. First call of the day, a sibling group who needed to be placed together. School aged kids. Seemed like a good place to start for my first placement. They would be placed sometime in the next week. So I decided I might as well prepare. Rookie mistake number two … I have a bad habit of over preparing. Always. I packed all the baby items away that for months I had carefully laid out in the bedroom. Went to the local thrift store and got a couple items that I knew the kids would probably need & then I waited. I waited for the conformation call. While I waited I started to wonder what they would be like, do they get along,  yada yada yada. Then my phone rang…

On the other end of the phone was my case worker. They had an emergency placement. All younger kiddos who had just come into care. I laughed as I told her I had already packed away all the baby stuff. Her response, “you’ll learn” and boy was she right. I scrambled to put together the crib, unpacked all the baby items, and grab out some items out of the clothes bin that I thought might fit the kiddos. The caseworker arrived within two hours of the call. Within the first two minutes, I was pooped on for the first time. Within the first hour one decided the remote really need to go for a swim in the toilet. Within the first three hours my mom and siblings arrived with car seats, another highchair, clothes, and toys. Oh the toys. All the kids were in heaven. The next two hours consisted of laughter, singing, dinner, baths, and bedtime.

This last week has been a whirl wind of doctors appointments, baby snuggles, family members and friends coming over to pitch in, and poop. Good grief the poop. Oh and the pee. I haven’t made it a day yet that I haven’t had to change clothes at least once.

But tonight I sit here and reflect on the last week. My littlest one is cooing right next to me just days after his first smile. I wonder how someone could hurt someone so little and innocent. I dream about what he will be when he grows up. So much potential for someone so small.

So many unknowns lie ahead in the next week. So many questions that don’t have answers. More appointments, visits, and court hearings. In the meantime I love on these little ones while they are in my care. Whether it is for a short time or an extended amount of time, I cherish these moments with these little ones, I love them as if they are my own. I ask for prayers over the next week as some big decisions will be made. Decisions that are out of my hands.  Decisions that may break hearts or make others rejoice. I ask for prayers that the right decisions be made, for the caseworkers to put all the pieces together of a very messy situation, for the judge that will hear the case, for all parties involved and for the kiddos because they deserve the world.