Just Breathe

To say I am glad to see the month of April 2015 come to a close would be the biggest understatement of the year. I am overjoyed that this month is finally coming to an end. But why?

I have been emotionally rocked to my core on more than one occasion. I have experienced the greatest heartache of my life in this last month. I have cried more tears in the last four weeks than I have in the last four years. I have had to remind myself in the midst of it all to just breathe as I have felt like I am drowning. It all started on the very first day of April and the emotional roller coaster has not slowed down. Thankfully, I have found comfort in the strangest place. Someone posted a song on facebook that I had never heard. Typically, I don’t listen to songs people post but for some reason I did that day and that song was exactly what I needed to hear. It has literally pulled me out of the darkness that I faced in the weeks that followed and man that is such a dark place. The very first verse explains my April 1, 2015 perfectly.

“She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn’t believe
It could happen to me
I guess we’re all one phone call from our knees.

For all the tears you’ve cried
You’ve been way too strong now for all your life
I’m gonna get there soon,
You’re gonna be there too
Cryin’ in your room,
Prayin’ Lord come through
We’re gonna get there soon”

Less than two weeks later, I was facing the fight of my life for my children. I have known from the very beginning what the case plan has stated and what the ultimate goal is but after leaving court in February, I knew things were not right. I knew no one truly understood the needs that these children have and it became my mission to make it known. These are my children and as their mother, it is my job to protect them to the best of my abilities. Thankfully, I have been blessed with the capabilities to keep incredible records and document everything in detail. With a little help, I was able to have copies ready in hand to back up everything that needed to be stated and put on record. My stomach was literally in knots but everything was stated on record that day and we had to wait a week for it to come out in the courtroom. That afternoon I was asked to testify over the phone the following week. That week was one of the longest weeks of my life. As I was being prepped to testify over the phone another verse that song kept playing over and over in my mind and I knew that we would have some answers by the end of the day.

“Oh it’s your light,
Oh it’s your way,
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin’ out now
From so far away…
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love”

By that afternoon, I received the news that my littles would be staying put for at least the next six months. It seemed like a miracle had occurred in the courtroom that day. We can make plans for the summer and relax just a little bit knowing they are safe for just a little while longer. Just days after we received the news about the kids each one of them became sick. I have spent the last week and a half caring for all four of my children as a stomach bug has plagued our house again. But between all the sickness and exhaustion the song keeps playing.

“‘Cause you are all that I’ve waited for
All of my life
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love”

I would be lying if I said that things were all better. I’m not sure the heartache will every go away as it still lingers. Something feels empty. I have been unfocused, forgetful, and a total slacker but fortunately I have been blessed with great people to surround myself with. Without the love and support of the ones I consider my greatest friends and of course my wonderful family, I would not have made it through these past 30 days. It has been many sleepless nights and long days. This has been one emotional ride and I am ready to get off the roller coaster. I may not be in one piece but I made it to the other side of this crazy month. As I turn my focus to the end of the school year and my trip to Rwanda please pray for peace. For comfort. For my littles. After all the smiles, love, and laughter I get to experience with them every single day makes all of the pain worth it.

-Song credit: Closer to Love by Mat Kearney

Finding the balance…

Sitting here in Rwanda and it’s past midnight. The air has a nice crispness to it that I look forward to every year. It smells fresh, clean, and innocent. The smiles of all the beautiful children and teachers race through my head as I reflect on the days experiences. These people of this country are so full of life, hope, and happiness. Regardless of the past, they are joy filled people. Something I struggle with each year is the all consuming question, how in the world can someone who has so little be so happy? But then I remind myself, it’s not the stuff that people need to be happy, it’s the community, love, and relationships that fill these people with such happiness it is seeping from every ounce of their body.

I have been struggling these past three years to find my purpose, my balance, my happiness. I’m a teacher, a semi-mom, a homeowner, I have great friends and family. What in the world am I missing?

I want to move to Africa. I feel as if I am called to be in the beautiful country working along side these wonderful people. But then reality hits. I can’t do that right now. I have some very important little ones at home who are counting on me. So what in the world can I do? How do I find that balance since I am being pulled in two very different directions?

Strange things have been happening lately, some people may call them coincidences, others may say its god speaking to me so just sit back and listen. I am honestly not sure what it is, but it all really started kicking me in the butt a few weeks ago. I turned the radio to our local Christian station. Now anyone who knows me knows this is totally out of the ordinary. When I turned to this station a song was on. The only part of the lyrics I caught was “do something.” I immediately thought haha very funny and changed the station. Later on that evening the song popped into my head so I decided to google it and find the song. I downloaded it, listened to it a few times and now it has ended up on my regular playlist I listen to in the car.

After arriving in Rwanda, I visited the genocide memorial for a third time. I causally walked through not reading very much because let’s face it, it’s tough. I had made it through and decided to go back and find some students and check on them. All of the sudden I stopped to read a quote that was etched into some glass and it simply stated, “if you save one person, you have saved the world.”

Still after reading this quote I wasn’t able to fully comprehend what was happening until our debriefing time tonight it hit me…Matthew 19:21 “Jesus said to him, “If you want to be perfect, go and sell everything you have and give the money to poor people. Then you will have riches in heaven. Come and follow Me.”” But what exactly does this mean? I know it doesn’t mean I need to go sell my way to big for me house in America and all of its contents. That would be insane and I have several goober heads that rely on weekend visits.

So what do I do? I can simply serve in other ways. Instead of selling the house, I can opens its doors. Invite in the least of the least in our society and provide them a home, stability, and love. Does that mean I will have ten kids in my house at one time? No. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t serve one. Does that mean I have absolutely lost my mind? It’s a big possibility but I would like to think no.

But then again the backlash has already started and I don’t even have a kid! Huh? Why? To me it’s just silly but to others it’s scary. Fear for my well being, fear for my family, fear for my finances, I could go on and on. It all comes down to fear. So I challenge you to stop looking at the disadvantages of opening my home and start looking at the advantages. Stop assuming I will just turn out crazy with a million kids or I am taking on too much. I know my limits, all you have to do is trust me that I am making the right decision.

I challenge you to be in prayer for me, my family, and my future child. I hope you will join me in praying for acceptance. For love. For healing.

Will I be exhausted? Yes. Will it be the hardest thing I have ever done? Yes. Will I have some days when I will want to give up? Duh! But I want you to be standing by my side with encouragement, love, peace. After all if it was that easy, don’t you think more people would be up for the challenge?

Bottom line, will it make a difference in at least one persons life? Absolutely. Isn’t that really wants it’s all about? Making a difference and serving The Lord. I’d like to think so.